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Gil's Comedy Script of the Month

NBC ANTHRAX HOT LINE
By Gil Christner

DJ

 

Over the weekend 2 employees of NBC news in New York tested positive for Anthrax! I have a special phone number for the NBC Anthrax hot line, so let's call up and see what the situation is!

(SFX: PHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP)

ANNC

Hello, and thank you for calling the NBC Anthrax hot line. The following is the health status of various NBC employees as of 8:00 o'clock this morning!
 

Tom Brokaw does not have Anthrax!

Jane Pauley does not have Anthrax!

Katie Couric does not have Anthrax! But she does have a new hair do!

Will and Grace do not have Anthrax! Neither does Just Jack, but Grace's obnoxious secretary tested positive for gonorrhea!

The cast of the West Wing, produced by Aaron Sorkin, does not have Anthrax! But they do have plenty of psylocibin mushrooms!

Ann Robinson, host of The Weakest Link, does not have Anthrax! But she does apparently have a rather large stick up her ass!

Emeril does not have Anthrax! But he also doesn't have any ratings!

The Cast of Law and Order does not have Anthrax! But the writers might use it to get rid of some characters later on!

And finally, Conan O'Brien does not have Anthrax! But unfortunately, he also doesn't have Andy Richter!


WHERE'S CHENEY - by Gil Christner
BUSH

Hi kids, it's me, your president, George W. Bush, and I'm here to tell you about my latest book for youngsters, called Where's Cheney?

KIDS

Oboy!

BUSH

 

You'll spend hours of fun as you search all over the land for Dick Cheney! Is he in a hidden room in the Capitol? Is he in a bunker in Nebraska? Maybe he's eating barbecue back at my ranch in Texas!

KIDS This is fun!

BUSH

 

You bet it is! I always have a good time when my wife Laura reads it to me! You wouldn't believe how much she loves to look for Dick! So tell your parents to buy you a copy of Where's Cheney, available at book stores everywhere, except Afghanistan!


ANTHRAX-QUIL!- by Gil Christner
GUY Oooh, I feel terrible, my nodz id tuffed up, I'm achey, I got a fever, and I can't get any sleep! And my usual flu medicine isn't doing any good!
ANNC Then you probably have anthrax!
GUY Anthrax??
ANNC If you have flu like symptoms, but are also dying, chances are you have Anthrax! Don't take any chances! Get some new Anthrax-Quil!
GUY Hmm! It comes in an easy open bottle! And it's blood red!
ANNC Regular flu medicines only relieve the symptoms of Anthrax, but don't work on the deadly microbes that actually kill you! New Antrax-Quil eliminates not only the sneezing and runny nose, but also the virulent bacteria that eat away at your brain lining!
GUY I feel much better! Thanks, Anthrax-Quil!
ANNC So the next time you need some Sneezy Achey Runny Nose Gonna Die Cause Some Wacko Put A Fatal Disease On My computer Keyboard Medicine, pick up some Anthrax-Quil! From the makers of Ebola Seltzer!

AFGHAN WEATHER REPORT- by Gil Christner

DJ

Hey, we got the phone number of the Afghanistan Weather Bureau, so we thought we'd call them up and see what the weather forecast for that part of the world is going to be!

(SFX: PHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP)

VOICE

Hello, and thank you for calling the Afghanistan Weather Bureau. The forecast for the weather in the capitol city of Kabul today is cloudy, with 90% chance of Cruise Missiles, giving way to partly explosive later tonight. In the southern city of Kandahar, you can expect clear and hot, with the only relief in sight being when the B-1 bombers block the sun. So be sure to wear plenty of sunscreen, and asbestos if you got it. Meanwhile, over by the Iranian border, watch for scattered refugees throughout the day, with a possible flood of humanity later in the night. Thanks for calling the Afghanistan Weather Bureau!

(SFX: HANG UP!)


EMMY SECURITY - by Gil Christner

DJ

This Sunday is the Emmy awards, which was postponed from last month, due to the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington. We understand that Hollywood is taking some extra security precautions for this year's broadcast, and I happen to have the number of the Security Office for the Emmys. So let's call them up and see what's new for this year's show!

(SFX: PHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP)

GUY

Hello, and welcome to the Emmy Security Office Phone Menu. If you would like to rat out another show's producer by accusing him or her of being a terrorist, please press One. If you would like to hear the new Security precautions for this year's show, please press Two.

(SFX: BEEP!)

GUY

Hello, and welcome to the Emmy Security Office List of Changes for this Year's Show. First, to ensure safety of all attendees, your entourage, including all sycophants, arm candy, beards and butt-kissers, may not be larger than 15 people. Secondly, bear in mind that there will be no red carpet to walk down this year. However, this does not mean we can guarantee your safety. In fact, there is still a very good chance, that at some point during the evening, you will be accosted by Joan and Melissa Rivers. Therefore, if you plan on carrying a concealed weapon, it may not be any larger than .32 caliber. Thirdly, all guests will be required to pass through metal detectors, so this means any actress with silicone-enhanced breasts must pre-register with the Academy Office of Metallurgical Augmentation. Finally, as you relax and have fun at this year's show, please bear in mind the chances of the Emmy Awards getting bombed are infinitesimal, because after all, the host is Ellen DeGeneres, and her new program, The Ellen Show, has already bombed once. Thank you for calling the Emmy Security Office!

(SFX: HANG UP!)

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