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Gil's Comedy Script of the Month

VOTING RIGHTS STUDY BIASED TOWARDS VOTING RIGHTS, REPUBLICANS CHARGE

By Gil Christner

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Raetgers) - The Civil Rights Commission's recent study on Voting Rights in the last presidential election was unfairly skewed to favor voting rights for the common citizen, top Republicans on Capitol Hill maintained this week.

"It's so obvious" declared Sen. Trent Lott. "The Civil Rights Commission might as well have hung out a sign saying 'We Welcome Civil Rights.' I am furious."

"Not since Selma in '65 have I ever seen such a blatant attempt to give everybody the right to vote, and it just sickens me," added Sen. Jesse Helms. "I would have thought the Civil Rights Commission would have at least tried to appear been a bit more neutral and unbiased."

Although President Bush himself remained silent on the issue, many in his administration echoed similar sentiments. "I had high hopes that the voting rights study would have shown some parity of ideals by mentioning Al Gore's sleazy attempts to steal the election, " said Mary Matalin, advisor to Vice President Dick Cheney. "Such as trading crack for votes on skid row and getting the late mayor of Chicago, Richard Daly, to have all his dead cronies vote democrat. And I'm not just repeating rumors here. These indiscretions are all well-documented on the Rush Limbaugh show, so you know they're true!"

Disenchantment with the Commission's study wasn't limited to Republicans, however. Highly unpartisan journalists, such as Sean Hannity, Britt Hume, Tim Russert and Chris Matthews also expressed profound disappointment in the findings.

"It's just another example of Clinton's sleazy sexual shenanigans," Matthews screamed, even though the reporter interviewing him was sitting right next to him. "First there's oral sex in the Oval Office, and next thing you know, those tacky democrats want to make sure everybody's vote counts! And I used to be a democrat, so you know I'm impartial!"

Matthews then went on to interrupt the questioner with a further tirade: "And talk about unfair and biased! Did you ever notice the NAACP is composed almost exclusively of African Americans? Not one Aryan Resistance Fighter in the whole bunch! And we're supposed to believe they're impartial? Don't make me laugh!"

Attorney General John Ashcroft was unavailable for comment, as he was guest speaker at the NRA's annual Gun Love 2001 Fest, being held in Waco, Texas, this year.


Copyright 2001 WindCrest Productions

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