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Gil's Latest Buzz

Gil's Comedy Script of the Month


by Gil Christner


Hey, there's been a lot of controversial police actions in New York City lately and mayor Rudy Guiliani has been busy defending the police force. In fact, he held another press conference recently, and we had a hidden microphone there, so let's take a listen to how it went.


RUDY - Ok, let's settle down, folks, listen up. At 11:43 this morning, a call came into the 7th precinct from a little girl indicating that her kitten was stuck up a tree in the Washington Park area. Several squad cars were dispatched to the scene to try to contain the situation. As officers attempted to remove said kitten from the tree, it made a sudden unexpected move, and they were forced to fire their weapons. The kitten was unfortunately hit 87 times, and did not survive. Any questions?

REPORTERS -Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

RUDY - Yes, Ron?

REPORT #1 - Mr. Mayor, was the kitten armed? RUDY That is unknown at this time. The officers involved claim the kitten drew a weapon, but upon further inspection, the only thing found at the scene was a squeaky toy in the shape of a mouse. Of course, a squeaky toy in the middle of the day can look a lot like a gun. Yes, Bob?

REPORT #2 - Mr. Mayor, why would the officers draw their weapons on a defenseless little kitten?

RUDY - Listen, that kitten was no angel! I've unsealed his record and he was no church cat! It turns out he had gotten into several fights with his litter mates! Plus, he was a known catnip user! He was probably dealing out of that tree! Yes, Angela?

REPORT #3 - Mr. Mayor, how can you justify 87 bullets into a tiny kitten?

RUDY - Come on, Angela, everybody knows a cat has nine lives! Do the math! That's only slightly over 9 bullets per life, which, you will admit, is much less than we usually use on defenseless people! Any more questions? Jack, go ahead.

REPORT #4 - Are the officers involved going to trial?

RUDY - If they go to trial, we hope to have the venue moved to the Brooklyn Aquarium, where there are a lot fewer cats. Ok, that's all the time we have for questions. I just want to conclude that I stand 100% behind the actions of the NYPD, but I am sure that my opponent in the Senate Race will have something else to say. She's a known cat lover! Thank you!


Copyright (c) 1999. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium
without express written permission of Premiere Radio Networks is prohibited

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