Home
contact info - gil christner
resume - gil christner
television - gil christner
film - gil christner
stage - gil christner
commercials - gil christner
voice overs - gil christner
scripts - gil christner
writing - gil christner
email gil


Gil's Latest Buzz

Gil's Comedy Script of the Month

EVERYBODY'S FREE TO STEAL OFFICE SUPPLIES
(After "Everybody's Free To Use Sun Block" by Baz Luhrman)
by Gil Christner

Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could offer you one tip for your employment future, stealing office supplies would be it. The long term benefits of stealing office supplies have been proved by Economists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering employment history. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your secretary. Oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your secretary until she goes on to work for some sleazy butt kissing toady in another part of the building. But trust me, you're going to miss her when she's gone.

You are not as fat-headed as your boss thinks you are.

Don't worry about your future with the company. You probably have none. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to get the CEO to remember your name. The real troubles in your job are apt to be things that blind side you when you're taking that 3 hour lunch at Hooters.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Like cleaning the break room refrigerator. Don't be reckless with the toner cartridge on the copier, and don't put up with people who are reckless with the fax machine, either.

Don't feel guilty if you haven't gotten a promotion for a long time. The most interesting people I know were still interns at 22. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know are unemployed.

Be kind to your nose. You'll need it to brown nose people.

Hang out in the mail room once, but leave before you get bored. Sneak into the Executive lounge once, but leave before you get busted.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. But don't get caught in the supply closet while you are enjoying it. Or if you do, at least make sure you are with somebody else at the time.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont. Either way you'll still be expected to work weekends covering for the boss's 3 day drunk when he danced the funky chicken with a stripper named Bubbles LaRue. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. Your choices are half-baked.

But trust me on stealing the office supplies.

Copyright (c) 1999. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium
without express written permission of Premiere Radio Networks is prohibited

Return to Script of the Month