and Gentlemen, if I could offer you one tip for your employment
future, stealing office supplies would be it. The long term benefits
of stealing office supplies have been proved by Economists, whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering
employment history. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power
and beauty of your secretary. Oh never mind. You will not understand
the power and beauty of your secretary until she goes on to work
for some sleazy butt kissing toady in another part of the building.
But trust me, you're going to miss her when she's gone.
You are not as
fat-headed as your boss thinks you are.
Don't worry about
your future with the company. You probably have none. Or worry,
but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to get
the CEO to remember your name. The real troubles in your job are
apt to be things that blind side you when you're taking that 3
hour lunch at Hooters.
Do one thing every
day that scares you. Like cleaning the break room refrigerator.
Don't be reckless with the toner cartridge on the copier, and
don't put up with people who are reckless with the fax machine,
Don't feel guilty
if you haven't gotten a promotion for a long time. The most interesting
people I know were still interns at 22. Some of the most interesting
40 year olds I know are unemployed.
Be kind to your
nose. You'll need it to brown nose people.
Hang out in the
mail room once, but leave before you get bored. Sneak into the
Executive lounge once, but leave before you get busted.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can. But don't get caught in the supply closet
while you are enjoying it. Or if you do, at least make sure you
are with somebody else at the time.
Maybe you'll marry,
maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont. Either
way you'll still be expected to work weekends covering for the
boss's 3 day drunk when he danced the funky chicken with a stripper
named Bubbles LaRue. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself
too much. Your choices are half-baked.
But trust me on
stealing the office supplies.